New Year, New You?
- Helen Dempsey-Henofer LCSW, ADHD-CCSP
- Aug 22, 2025
- 5 min read
A Note on Gender Expression, Code-Switching, and Returning to School
Every August, the same messaging pops up like clockwork: “New year, new you!”
As if the start of a new school year is a reset button — a chance to reinvent yourself, glow up, fix your flaws, and finally get it right.
But for queer, trans, nonbinary, and questioning students — especially those who are also neurodivergent — that pressure to perform a “new you” can be complicated.
For many of us, it’s not about becoming someone new.
It’s about trying to show up more honestly. And sometimes, it’s about surviving the day in a system that was never built with us in mind.
If you’re returning to school with questions about your gender, your expression, your pronouns, or your identity — this post is for you. Whether you’re feeling excited, uncertain, or just plain tired, know that you’re not alone.
Gender Expression Isn't a Promise
Let’s start here: exploring your gender doesn’t mean you’re making a declaration or a lifelong commitment. Changing your hairstyle, your clothes, your name, or your pronouns isn’t a public contract. It’s a form of self-expression — and it’s allowed to shift.
You’re allowed to try things on. You’re allowed to not know. You’re allowed to explore in private before sharing anything out loud.
The cultural script might push us to “figure it out” and make it make sense to everyone else. But you don't owe anyone a backstory. How you choose to express yourself doesn’t have to be consistent across every space you’re in. It doesn’t even have to be something you define in words.
So if you’re heading into a new school year with the urge to experiment — or with a quiet internal truth you’re just beginning to name — that is enough.
The Back-to-School Reset Is Real — And Sometimes Misleading
Going back to school can be an intense identity season. It’s a social reset, a wardrobe reset, a chance to start over in some ways. For some people, that opens up space for new pronouns, a new name, or a more affirming style. For others, it heightens the pressure to perform gender in ways that feel exhausting or false.
You might be wondering:
Can I try out this name, or will people think I’m faking?
What happens if I want to be out in some spaces but not others?
Am I betraying myself if I present differently to stay safe?
What if I don’t want to change anything, even though everyone else seems to be transforming?
Here’s the truth: you can, but there's no requirement that you, reinvent yourself just because the calendar flipped.
But if you are feeling the pull to explore, to shift, or to show up in a way that feels more like you, that deserves care and respect — including from yourself.
Code-Switching, Incongruence, and Emotional Exhaustion
For many queer and gender-diverse students, returning to school means returning to code-switching — the constant adjustment of how we speak, dress, move, or present ourselves to fit into a space that may not feel safe or affirming.
This takes energy. It’s not just about clothes or names. It’s about navigating how much of yourself you’re allowed to share — and where the risks are too high.
Maybe you use one set of pronouns with friends and another at home. Maybe you wear what you love on weekends but choose something more “neutral” at school. Maybe you’ve stopped correcting people who misgender you because it’s just too much.
That doesn’t make you less authentic. It makes you adaptive. Strategic. Smart.
But it can still hurt.
Ongoing incongruence — the mismatch between how you feel and how you’re seen — can wear on your sense of self. It can lead to sadness, irritability, fatigue, and a creeping sense that you’re always playing a role.
If that’s your reality right now, please know this:
You can acknowledge the emotional cost of those choices without blaming yourself for making them.You can affirm your strategy and your sadness.You are doing what you need to do to be okay.
A Short Self-Compassion Practice for When You Feel Split
Some days you’ll show up in ways that feel aligned and real. Other days, you’ll show up in ways that feel like camouflage. Either way, you deserve care.
Here’s a simple 1-minute practice you can try between classes, in the bathroom stall, on the bus, or at your desk with headphones on.
60-Second Self-Compassion Check-In
1. Name what’s real. Say (out loud or in your head)
“I’m doing what I need to do right now to get through.”“This isn’t easy.”“I’m feeling [tired, frustrated, unseen — fill in what fits].”
2. Acknowledge your needs without judgment.
“I wish I could be more myself today.”“I want to feel safe and seen.”“I deserve ease.”
3. Offer yourself kindness.
“It makes sense that this is hard.”“I’m allowed to take up space — even if I do it quietly today.”“I’m doing enough.”
You don’t have to fix how you feel. You just have to meet it with care.
Tiny Acts of Resistance Can Be Enough
Being yourself isn’t always loud. Sometimes, it looks like:
A pair of socks in your favorite color
A name written on a notebook, even if you don’t say it aloud
An affirming playlist in your earbuds
Writing a pronoun that feels right, even if no one sees it but you
One friend who gets it
Those small choices aren’t “just symbolic.” They’re acts of resistance. They’re reminders that your truth exists — even when it’s not fully visible yet.
Community Can Change Everything
If you’re feeling isolated or unsure, finding even one person who sees you can make a huge difference. Maybe it’s a trusted friend, a school counselor, a teacher, or someone online. Maybe it’s a queer therapist who can help you untangle your identity in a space where you don’t have to explain everything from scratch.
At Divergent Path Wellness, we know how hard it can be to navigate school, gender, and mental health all at once — especially if you’re neurodivergent, too. Our team of LGBTQIA+ affirming therapists is here to support you in exploring what wholeness looks like for you.
Whether you're out, questioning, stealth, shifting, or simply exhausted from navigating systems that don’t fit, you don’t have to go through it alone.
You Don’t Owe Anyone a “Glow-Up”
There’s a lot of cultural pressure to emerge from summer as a totally new version of yourself. But you don’t owe anyone a rebrand. Your value isn’t measured in aesthetic transformations or confident declarations. You’re already worthy — whether you change your name, cut your hair, update your wardrobe, or do absolutely none of those things.
Being queer, trans, or nonbinary isn’t a project.It’s not a brand.It’s not a performance.It’s a relationship with yourself — one that grows and shifts over time.
TL;DR – You’re Not Alone, and You’re Not Doing It Wrong
You don’t have to figure it all out at once.
You’re allowed to change your mind.
Safety matters. So does rest.
Code-switching is exhausting — you’re not broken.
Small acts of gender expression count.
You’re not too much or not enough. You’re enough. Period.
Need Some Support?
We see you. If you're navigating identity, safety, and mental health while returning to school, our queer-affirming team at Divergent Path Wellness is here to help. We work with people across Virginia.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with a therapist who gets it.
You deserve a space where you don’t have to edit yourself to be understood.
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