When Your Child Is Exploring Their Gender: A Guide for Parents

If your elementary- or high school-age child has said something like:

“I don’t feel like a girl.”
“I think I’m a boy.”
“Can you use they/them for me?”
“I want a different name.”

It can stop you in your tracks.

You may feel protective. Confused. Afraid of doing the wrong thing. You may wonder whether this is a phase, whether you’re supposed to correct it, or whether affirming it somehow makes it permanent. Maybe you've already responded and are now wondering: Am I doing the right thing?

Before anything else: your anxiety does not make you a bad parent. It means you understand that your response matters. Also, there's a reality of being a parent — that it comes with more questions than answers. Even if you misstep, there's room to repair and remember that you're a messy person, like all of us, and are worthy of compassion.

Alright, back to your kiddo exploring their gender. First of all, be reassured:

Gender Exploration Is Not a Crisis

Identity development is part of being human. Children explore roles, clothing, interests, friendships, and ways of describing themselves as they grow. For some children, that exploration includes gender.

Exploration does not automatically mean your child is transgender. It does not automatically mean medical decisions are imminent. It also does not indicate a mental health disorder.

What consistently predicts long-term mental health outcomes for gender-diverse youth is whether they experience acceptance or rejection at home.

Your relationship is the protective factor.

Gender Identity Is Not “Wait and See”

Some well-meaning advice tells parents to “wait and see.” That can sound cautious and neutral. In practice, though, “wait and see” often becomes withholding affirmation until a child proves certainty.

Affirmation is not about predicting the future. It is about responding to the present.

If your child says they want to use they/them pronouns, you use they/them pronouns.

If they ask to try a different name, you try the name.

You do not interrogate them. You do not require a thesis statement. You do not position yourself as the skeptic in the room.

You follow their lead.

Children’s identities continue to develop. That is true for all children. In fact, identity development unfolds across the lifespan. Adults change careers, beliefs, relationships, and ways of understanding themselves. Gender is not exempt from that broader human reality.

Using your child’s requested pronouns does not lock them into a lifelong path. It does not set irreversible processes in motion. It communicates something immediate and stabilizing:

“You are safe telling me who you are today.”

That message protects attachment.

Attachment is sometimes thought of as being soft, fluffy, and inconsequential. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is the bond that keeps your child coming back to you as they grow. When children feel emotionally safe, they keep talking. They bring doubts home. They remain secure in trusting your connection.

Their emotional security grows in an accepting, supportive relationship, not in control.

If You’re Afraid of Getting It Wrong

Many parents worry that affirmation means committing to a path they don’t fully understand. It can help to separate social affirmation from medical intervention.

Using a name. Using pronouns. Supporting clothing choices. These are relational responses. They lay the foundation for your child to feel supported, respected, and accepted.

It's normal for parents to have medical questions. Medical decisions, when relevant, are not made casually or overnight. They are made with qualified healthcare providers who are trained in developmentally appropriate care. For pre-pubertal children, there are no invasive medical interventions. For youth approaching or in puberty, options like puberty blockers are carefully evaluated and monitored in collaboration with medical professionals.

Avoiding medical consultation out of fear can be just as reactive as rushing into it.

The goal is not to delay indefinitely or to accelerate impulsively. The goal is to equip your child with informed options that support lifelong wellbeing.

Affirmation keeps the conversation open so that, whatever questions should arise, your child feels safe involving you.

“Should My Child Be in Therapy?”

Exploring gender, by itself, is not a mental health diagnosis.

Therapy can be helpful if a child is experiencing anxiety, depression, bullying, trauma, or significant family conflict. But sending a child to therapy to determine whether their identity is “real” can undermine trust and make future mental health support harder to access.

Conversion therapy — therapy designed to reinforce gender assigned at birth — is widely recognized as harmful and unethical by major mental health organizations.

Often, when talk therapy is appropriate in these situations, it is for the parent.

You may be experiencing:

Grief about expectations
Fear about social consequences
Confusion about what comes next
Anxiety amplified by media narratives

Those reactions are human. They deserve space. And they are not your child's to manage.

Processing those feelings with a trusted peer, a support group, or a therapist allows you to show up more steady at home. Getting your own support, gives you a foundation to be the secure home base your kiddo needs you to be.

Your child should not have to reassure you about their own identity.

What Affirmation Looks Like in Practice

Affirmation is behavioral. It looks like:

Practicing your child’s chosen name and pronouns privately so you can use them consistently.
Avoiding debate that positions you against them.
Supporting developmentally appropriate healthcare conversations when necessary.
Apologizing when you misstep and following through on repair.
Seeking your own support instead of reversing roles.

You do not have to eliminate all your questions. You do need to protect the relationship while you work through them. Your child also needs that of you.

A Practical Resource

If it helps to have something concrete, we created a one-pager for you to reference at-a-glance to summarize these principles:

It is not a replacement for getting one-on-one support, consulting with your kiddo's doctor for reassurance and support, or talking to your own therapist. It is something to revisit when emotions rise and you need a reminder of what protects connection.

When Therapy May Be Helpful

Therapy can make sense when:

Family conversations feel stuck or escalate quickly.
A child is experiencing anxiety, depression, or bullying.
A parent feels overwhelmed and wants a structured space to process.
Trust has been strained and repair feels difficult.

Therapy should support clarity and safety — not pressure a child toward or away from an identity.

The goal is not to decide who your child will be. The goal is to ensure they feel safe becoming who they are.

At Divergent Path Wellness in Charlottesville, Virginia we offer both in-person and virtual individal therapy to teens age 14+ and adults, including parents of gender exploring young people. If you are seeking support and need space to process, visit the website to explore our services.

Helen Dempsey-Henofer, LCSW

Founder & Clinical Director, Divergent Path Wellness