Self-Advocacy at Work: Confronting Queer Erasure in Professional Spaces

You deserve to be all of who you are—even at work.

In many workplaces, professionalism is quietly coded: not too loud, not too soft, not too expressive, not too much. For queer professionals, that often translates into a familiar pressure—be competent, be collected, but keep the queer part of your identity invisible.

Whether it's being asked not to bring up your partner in conversation, feeling excluded from casual “family-friendly” events, or noticing your pronouns quietly omitted from email introductions, queer erasure in professional spaces can feel subtle, but its impact is anything but.

This post explores what queer erasure can look like at work, how it affects our mental health, and how to advocate for yourself without putting your safety or job stability at risk.

What Is Queer Erasure?

Queer erasure refers to the systemic, interpersonal, and cultural practices that ignore, deny, or minimize queer identity and experience.

In the workplace, it often shows up through:

Assumptions of heteronormativity (“Do you have a boyfriend?”)
Binary-only gender frameworks on forms, restrooms, or dress codes
Lack of acknowledgment for LGBTQIA+ people during cultural recognitions like Pride
Omitting pronouns even after they've been shared
“Sanitizing” identities to appear more “neutral” in leadership or client-facing roles

Erasure is different from outright hostility. It’s more like being passed over, talked around, or rendered invisible. And over time, that invisibility can wear you down.

The Psychological Toll of Erasure

Queer people are resilient. But when your identity is consistently erased or invalidated, it creates what psychologists call minority stress—the chronic burden of navigating spaces that weren’t built for you.

That stress can look like:

Hypervigilance in meetings
Withdrawing from workplace social events
Questioning your own reactions (“Am I overreacting?”)
Exhaustion from constant code-switching

These responses aren’t overreactions. They’re your nervous system trying to keep you safe in a space where the rules for belonging are unclear—or unevenly enforced.

Self-Advocacy Doesn’t Mean Doing It Alone

Advocating for yourself at work can feel like walking a tightrope. You may be weighing the need to speak up against the risk of retaliation, tokenization, or being labeled “difficult.” It’s okay to move at your own pace and choose when, where, and if you want to advocate.

Here are some steps that can support self-advocacy, without asking you to carry the burden alone:

1. Know Your Values and Boundaries

Start with internal clarity. What’s most important to you? What are your non-negotiables? This clarity can help you decide what’s worth pushing for and where you need to conserve your energy.

2. Document, Document, Document

If you’re dealing with consistent exclusion or microaggressions, keeping a written record (dates, context, who was involved) can help you track patterns—and protect yourself if you choose to involve HR or seek legal guidance later.

3. Build Coalitions

You're probably not the only one noticing what's happening. Reach out to trusted colleagues, affinity groups, or DEI leaders. Collective voices are often heard more than individual ones—and can help reduce the emotional labor.

4. Frame Your Feedback Strategically

When you're ready to speak up, framing can matter. You don’t need to downplay your truth—but you can link your concerns to shared workplace goals like psychological safety, inclusion, and retention.

5. Seek External Support

Therapists, coaches, and advocacy organizations can offer validation, guidance, and strategies tailored to your needs. You deserve care, not just coping skills.

Scripts for Speaking Up: You Don’t Have to Start From Scratch

If you’ve ever sat in front of an email draft for hours trying to “say it the right way,” you’re not alone. Finding words to describe harm—especially when it’s subtle and accumulative—is incredibly difficult.

Here are a few advocacy scripts and approaches that can be adapted to your situation:

Script #1: Affirm Their Role, Then Share the Impact

This is a strategy I’ve used myself when speaking to someone in a leadership role. Okay, it’s about appealing to their position—but in a way that asks people to rise to their best selves:

“I respect your integrity as a leader and know that fostering an inclusive workplace is important to you. I am trusting you to be able to hear my experience, even if it’s hard to hear.”

This approach appeals to their sense of leadership and their values—framing your disclosure as a sign of trust. It increases the likelihood that they’ll listen defensively less, and responsively more.

Script #2: Share the Behavior, Not Just the Identity

“When my pronouns were left off the team roster, it felt like a signal that who I am is inconvenient or invisible. I know this may not have been intentional, but I want to name how it landed with me.”

Script #3: Name Shared Values

“One of the things I appreciate about working here is the stated commitment to equity and inclusion. I’ve been having an experience that I think runs counter to that goal, and I’d like to talk about it.”

Script #4: Set a Boundary

“I’m not comfortable being asked to keep my personal life vague while others are able to share freely about theirs. I’m happy to keep things professional across the board—but I’m not okay with a double standard.”

Do Legal Protections Exist?

In many parts of the U.S., there are legal protections against workplace discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity. A landmark 2020 Supreme Court ruling (Bostock v. Clayton County) confirmed that Title VII of the Civil Rights Act protects LGBTQIA+ employees from discrimination “because of sex.”

However—it's important to know:

These protections may not extend to interns, contractors, or volunteers.
State laws vary widely in how they reinforce or weaken federal protections.
Trans rights and access to gender-affirming spaces remain under attack in many areas.

Stay informed: Laws and protections shift quickly. For the most up-to-date information on your rights, we recommend checking with your state’s chapter of the ACLU, or exploring legal resources from:

Knowing your rights won’t eliminate erasure—but it can offer clarity, confidence, and protection when you decide to take action.

When You’re Too Tired to Advocate

Sometimes you don’t want to “strategically wordsmith” your way into basic respect. That’s okay. You don’t always have to be the one doing the educating.

You can choose silence without shame.
You can step back from non-affirming dynamics.
You can focus on building connections with people who already get it.

Self-advocacy isn’t about constantly explaining your existence—it’s about protecting your capacity to live it.

From Surviving to Resisting: Making Space for Ourselves

Sometimes, the most radical act is refusing to disappear.

Self-advocacy isn’t always about confronting every instance of erasure—it’s also about tending to yourself in the aftermath, recognizing that your reaction makes sense, and reclaiming your visibility on your own terms.

That might mean:

Wearing the clothes that feel like you
Mentioning your partner casually in conversation
Including your pronouns in your email signature
Asking others to do the same
Pushing back—when you’re ready

And sometimes, it’s knowing when to leave a space that’s no longer worthy of you.

Final Thoughts: Your Queerness Is Not a Liability

Professionalism shouldn't mean pretending. At its best, it means showing up with integrity, care, and accountability—not conformity.

If you’re navigating queer erasure in the workplace, we see you. And if you’re looking for a space to unpack your experiences and reconnect to your worth, our queer-affirming, neurodiversity-informed therapists are here to help.

Want to talk to someone who gets it?

Book a 15-minute consultation to explore therapy with a mental health provider, serving

clients in Virginia, who will never ask you to shrink yourself to be taken seriously.

Helen Dempsey-Henofer LCSW ADHD-CCSP

Founder & Clinical Supervisor at Divergent Path Wellness