Should I Go No Contact?
- Helen Dempsey-Henofer LCSW, ADHD-CCSP
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
How to Decide Whether to End Contact with a Friend or Family Member
Deciding to go no contact with a friend or family member is a deeply personal, often painful choice. Whether you're navigating family estrangement, stepping away from a toxic friendship, or re-evaluating long-standing relationships, this guide is here to help you reflect with clarity and self-trust.
This article explores common reasons people go no contact, how to recognize when it might be time, what to consider before cutting ties, and how to protect your peace through it all. It includes a values-based decision-making exercise, boundary-setting scripts, and journal prompts to support your process.
What Does It Mean to Go No Contact?
Going no contact means intentionally ending communication with someone in your life—temporarily or permanently. It’s often used when a relationship becomes harmful, emotionally draining, or unsustainable despite efforts to repair or maintain connection.
For many people, especially those who are LGBTQIA+, neurodivergent, or survivors of trauma, this decision may be complicated by family expectations, cultural messages, or accessibility needs around communication.
Common Reasons People Choose to Go No Contact
There’s no universal checklist, but these are some of the most common and valid reasons:
Emotional abuse, gaslighting, or manipulation
Repeated violations of boundaries
Dismissal or disrespect of identity (e.g., queerness, neurodivergence, disability)
Ongoing harm despite attempts at repair
One-sided emotional labor or family scapegoating
Safety concerns—emotional, psychological, or physical
Exhaustion from cyclical rupture without resolution
Journal Prompt: If a close friend were describing this relationship to me, what would I want for them? What would I hope they'd choose?
A Choice Point Exercise: Make a Values-Aligned Decision
A choice point is a concept from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It describes the moment when you’re faced with a decision that could move you closer to the life you want—or further away.
If you're considering going no contact, you may be at one of those moments. The goal isn’t to make a perfect choice—it’s to make one that’s guided by your values, not just guilt, fear, or habit.
Here’s how to walk through a choice point:
Name the Pattern: What happens in this relationship over time? How do you feel before, during, and after interactions?
Identify Your Values: What do you want to stand for in this season of your life? (e.g., peace, honesty, self-trust, connection)
Notice the Pulls: What actions can you take that move you closer to your values? What actions can you take that move you further from them?
Weigh the Costs and Benefits:What might you gain or lose from either path—immediately and in the long run?
Choose from the Inside Out:Based on your values (not pressure or performance), which choice feels like it honors your truth?
Try This: Draw a choice point diagram. At the top, write your core values. Then sketch a V-shape of two arrows, one toward the values you identify, one away from them. Note what each choice would move you toward or away from what matters to you.
When Your Values Feel in Conflict
Sometimes you might feel confused about which side of the choice point a specific action belongs to. You might feel torn between wanting to be a kind, loyal person and needing distance to preserve your mental health. You’re not alone—and you’re not doing it wrong.
Values often exist in tension. You can care about family and choose not to be in contact. You can believe in compassion and recognize that staying puts you in harm’s way.
Journal Prompt: What values feel like they’re colliding right now? How might I honor both in different ways or timeframes?
Ghosting vs. Explaining: What’s the Best Way to Go No Contact?
Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to quietly step away—especially if you’ve already communicated your needs or boundaries and those were ignored. In this context, choosing not to re-engage isn’t avoidance. It’s a form of self-respect.
This may be especially true for neurodivergent people or others who’ve had their communication styles pathologized or dismissed. Not everyone owes a final statement, especially if it compromises safety or emotional regulation.
You might choose not to explain if:
You’ve already been clear about your needs and weren’t heard
The person tends to escalate, retaliate, or guilt-trip
Protecting your peace means reducing all forms of contact
You might choose to explain if:
The person may actually hear you, even if they disagree
You want to speak your truth as a closing act
You find meaning or healing in saying goodbye
There’s no “right way” to end contact. What matters is that it feels aligned with your well-being.
Try This: Write an unsent letter. Say everything you need to say, even if no one else ever reads it. Then ask yourself: do I feel more clarity or closure from writing alone? Or is there something I want to share?
It's important to note that if you choose to explain yourself, that action does not control what the other person will do. The act of sharing your thoughts and feelings may not be received in a supportive way (if you expected it was likely to, chances are you wouldn't be reading this article now) but it might be a good choice if the act of expressing them itself is meaningful to you.
How to Handle Pushback When You Set Boundaries
Many people who choose to go no contact face resistance from others. “But they’re your family,” some might say. Or, “You’ll regret this one day.”
This kind of boundary pushback is common—especially in cultures or families where roles are rigid or interdependence is expected. You don’t need everyone to agree with your decision in order for it to be valid.
Here are three boundary statements you can use:
“This isn’t up for discussion.”
“I’m making decisions that protect my well-being.”
“You don’t have to understand it—you just need to respect it.”
Journal Prompt:What boundary phrases feel most supportive to me? Can I write one down and keep it somewhere visible—on my phone, mirror, or planner—for moments when I feel guilt or doubt creeping in?
Is Going No Contact Right for Me?
Only you can answer that—and that answer may shift over time. Going no contact isn’t a failure of compassion or communication. It’s a choice. A boundary. A reclaiming of space.
You’re not broken, dramatic, or disloyal for considering it. You’re allowed to choose relationships that nourish you and step away from those that don’t.
You’re allowed to change. To rest. To heal.
And no matter what you decide, you are valid in making hard choices that are right for you.
Helen Dempsey-Henofer LCSW, ADHD-CCSP
is a clinical supervisor and founder at Divergent Path Wellness.
Interested in working with a neuroaffirming therapist in Virginia?
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