The Art Of The Pivot: Why What Works For Politicians Can Derail Your Relationship

In politics, the “pivot” is a skill. A candidate is asked a tough question, and instead of answering it directly, they pivot to what they’d rather talk about. On the debate stage, that move can protect an image and steer the conversation toward safer ground.

But in relationships? The pivot can effectively destroy trust and closeness.

When your partner brings up something hard—hurt, dissatisfaction, fear—it’s natural for your nervous system to treat it like a threat. You might fight (“I’m not the problem, you are”), flee (“Can we not do this right now?”), or freeze (silence, shutdown). In the moment, pivoting to a safer topic or deflecting with humor can feel protective. And sometimes, it is. Your body is doing its best to keep you safe.

Why This Happens (The Research Bit)

• Threat responses are wired in. Neuroscience shows that when we perceive conflict as a threat, our amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) activates. That’s where fight/flight/freeze comes from—it’s not a “bad habit,” it’s biology.

  
  

• Attachment shapes our reactions. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) research highlights how partners often get stuck in “pursue–withdraw” cycles: one protests to feel closer, the other pulls away to feel safe. This feedback loop reinforces itself over time.

  
  

• Neurodivergent partners may be especially sensitive. Studies on ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity (RS) show that people with ADHD are more likely to anticipate criticism and feel it more intensely, often because of a childhood filled with corrective feedback. This can make defensive pivots (changing the subject, cracking a joke, shutting down) more likely, even when the current partner’s feedback is motivated by a desire for connection.

The trouble is: intimacy requires space for discomfort. If every time your partner takes a risk to share vulnerability, you pivot away, you’re sending the message: your pain is unsafe here. Over time, this creates a feedback loop where one partner feels increasingly silenced, and the other grows increasingly afraid of conflict.

For neurodivergent couples, especially when ADHD is in the mix, these loops can form fast. Many ADHD partners grew up with a steady stream of corrective feedback—“you’re too much,” “you’re not trying hard enough,” “why can’t you just…”

That history makes negative feedback in adulthood feel especially charged. It can make the nervous system quicker to leap into pivot mode, even when the current partner’s intention is connection, not criticism.

From an attachment perspective, the cycle is familiar: one partner’s protest is met with the other’s retreat or redirection. The first partner escalates to be heard; the second pivots harder to escape. Each person’s nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do, but the result is distance instead of closeness.

Common Ways We Pivot (Without Realizing It)

When discomfort shows up, partners often pivot without meaning to. Some of the most common types include:

• The Self-Pivot: Turning the focus to your own feelings or experiences instead of staying with your partner’s.

  • “Well, I’ve been stressed too…”

  • It’s not wrong to want your feelings acknowledged, but if it happens too quickly, it can leave your partner feeling unheard.

    
    

• The Blame Pivot: Redirecting the discomfort back toward your partner.

  • “You’re always so negative.”

  • This can feel protective in the moment but often escalates conflict.

    
    

• The Humor Pivot: Cracking a joke, changing the subject, or lightening the mood.

  • “Here we go again—want some popcorn?”

  • Humor can be bonding, but if it always comes at the moment of vulnerability, it blocks intimacy.

Breaking the loop doesn’t mean forcing yourself to stay in every painful conversation. It means practicing small doses of tolerance: noticing the urge to pivot, taking a breath, and seeing if you can stay with your partner’s discomfort for one beat longer than usual. Sometimes it means saying directly: “I feel myself wanting to avoid this, but I know it matters to you—can we slow down so I can take it in?”

Real intimacy isn’t built on polished pivots. It’s built on the messy courage of staying in the room with each other’s pain.

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Helen Dempsey-Henofer LCSW ADHD-CCSP

Founder & Clinical Supervisor - Divergent Path Wellness