This Is Not My Beautiful Life: Relationship Guidance for When You’re Asking Yourself, “How Did I Get Here?”
- Helen Dempsey-Henofer LCSW, ADHD-CCSP
- Oct 3
- 6 min read
For late-identified queer, neurodivergent, deconstructing humans
If you’ve ever looked around your life—your home, your relationship, your everyday rhythms—and thought, This isn’t the life I meant to build, you’re not alone.
For many late-identified queer, neurodivergent, or deconstructing folks, there comes a moment of pause. A moment of asking, How did I get here? And more importantly, Where do I go from here—especially if I care deeply about my partner, but something still feels… off?
This post isn’t about giving up. It’s about engaging your relationship with more clarity, care, and consent. That often starts with conversation—not confrontation—and with a shared exploration of what it means to create a life that's meaningful now—for both of you.
Realizing You’ve Changed in a Relationship You Still Want to Keep
When you come into new understanding about your identity—whether that’s discovering you’re neurodivergent, embracing a queer identity, or letting go of inherited religious or cultural beliefs—you may find that the life you’ve been living no longer fits.
This doesn’t always mean your relationship needs to end. It means your relationship needs space to evolve.
Many neurodivergent and LGBTQIA+ clients we work with at Divergent Path Wellness describe waking up to a deep sense of mismatch between their current relationship dynamics and who they’re becoming. That feeling can be disorienting, especially when love is still present. The key is learning how to invite your partner into the process of re-alignment rather than staying stuck in silent resentment or retreating into self-sacrifice.
Why Values-Based Conversations Are the Foundation of Relational Change
So much relationship conflict isn’t about whether we love each other—it’s about whether we know how to be in relationship with each other now, as the people we’re becoming.
A mutual values sort is one of the most accessible and effective tools for reconnecting. It’s a great place to begin—especially if you or your partner struggle with initiating emotional conversations.
A values sort involves each of you identifying the personal values that matter most to you—things like freedom, honesty, rest, autonomy, connection, creativity, safety, or growth—and then sharing them. There are free card sorts and printable lists available online, or you can write your top 10 values on index cards and compare.
Why does this help?
Because it:
Shifts the focus from blame to curiosity
Highlights shared priorities that can guide future decisions
Reveals areas of misalignment that might need boundaries or renegotiation
Centers your agency, especially when life feels off-track
For neurodivergent partners, having a tangible, structured task like a values sort can make a conversation feel more manageable. Since we often don't know how our partners' mind works differently from our own—the most inclusive, mutually supportive way forward tends to be a neurodiversity-friendly approach.
And, as a bonus, for partners who are used to performance or people-pleasing, it provides a nonjudgmental way to show up with more honesty.
How to Use Nonviolent Communication to Talk About Change Without Escalation
When you realize something has to shift, the next step is often a conversation that feels terrifying. You may fear hurting your partner, or losing them. You may worry they’ll shut down, defend, or avoid. You may struggle to even name what’s wrong.
That’s where Nonviolent Communication (NVC) comes in.
NVC is a practice that helps you speak with clarity and empathy—both for yourself and for your partner. It centers on four steps:
Observation: What’s happening, without interpretation.“I’ve noticed we’ve been spending less time doing things that feel meaningful to both of us.”
Feeling: How you feel in response.“That’s left me feeling disconnected and kind of untethered.”
Need: What you need or care about.“I think I’m really needing more intentional connection as I figure out what feels like home in my body and identity these days.”
Request: A doable, non-demanding invitation.“Would you be open to setting aside some time to talk about what’s working, what isn’t, and what we both want going forward?”
NVC is not about performing perfect communication. It’s about shifting the focus from who’s right to what matters most.
Rewriting the Relationship Agreement: A Tool for All Couples
When you hear “relationship agreement,” you might think of polyamory or open relationships—but the truth is, all couples operate on relationship agreements, whether they realize it or not.
Most of us inherit our ideas about how relationships “should” work from family, media, religion, or social expectations. But very few of us were explicitly taught how to discuss our preferences, needs, or assumptions about things like:
Conflict resolution
Division of labor
Sex and intimacy
Alone time vs. together time
Finances and financial autonomy
Parenting (or choosing not to)
Creating a relationship agreement doesn’t mean you’re in crisis. It means you’re willing to stop winging it. It means you’re choosing intention over assumption.
You can start small:
“Let’s each write down what’s working for us and what we’d like to shift.”
“Would you be open to a monthly check-in where we revisit how our routines and needs are changing?”
“Can we name what emotional labor each of us is carrying right now and see if it still makes sense?”
This practice is especially helpful for neurodivergent couples who thrive on clarity, structure, and clearly defined expectations. It can also ease the anxiety of partners navigating gender transitions, identity shifts, or big life changes.
What a Boundary Actually Is (and What It Isn’t)
Many people—especially those recovering from codependency, purity culture, or trauma—struggle with boundaries. They may fear that setting boundaries is selfish or controlling.
But here’s the truth:
A boundary is not about controlling someone else. A boundary is about what you will do to protect your well-being.
Let’s break that down:
Control: “You’re not allowed to text your ex.”
Boundary: “If you’re regularly texting your ex and not being transparent, I won’t feel safe in this relationship. I would need us to have an agreement about digital boundaries, or I’d need to reconsider how I show up here.”
Boundaries support you in staying connected to yourself—not disconnected from others.
They are especially vital for:
Autistic or ADHD adults who experience sensory overload or burnout
Queer and trans partners navigating internalized shame or trauma responses
Formerly religious partners relearning how to say yes and no in alignment with their values
You might say:
“I need solo downtime after work, even if I love you.”
“I won’t engage in yelling. If that happens, I’ll pause the conversation until we’re both calmer.”
“I can’t take on household responsibilities that assume I’m the ‘default parent.’ We need to renegotiate.”
Boundaries can be loving, not punitive.
They are acts of self-trust and respect—for both of you.
When One Partner Is Growing and the Other Isn’t—Yet
One of the hardest parts of relational growth is not growing at the same pace. Maybe you’re reading all the books, unpacking trauma, coming out, seeking therapy—and your partner is just… existing.
This is where many folks ask, Do I wait? Do I push? Do I go?
Here’s what we recommend:
Communicate openly about the change you're experiencing.
Invite collaboration, not correction.
Stay curious, while holding your boundaries.
And then: Watch their response.
If your partner hears you, engages, and wants to co-create—even imperfectly—that’s a good sign.
If they dismiss, stonewall, or ridicule your efforts, that tells you something too.
This Isn’t About Perfection—It’s About Participation
You don’t need to have every answer before starting this process. You just need a willingness to look honestly at where you are and a commitment to moving with care toward where you want to be.
That might look like:
Scheduling monthly relationship check-ins
Sharing new insights from therapy
Naming needs as they arise
Offering reassurance during moments of uncertainty
You are allowed to grow. You are allowed to grieve what was. You are allowed to reimagine what partnership can feel like.
Final Thoughts: You Deserve a Relationship That Honors Who You Are Now
“This is not my beautiful life” doesn’t have to be a lament. It can be a call to consciousness. A turning point. A chance to say, I want to do this differently—and I want to do it with you, if we’re both willing to try.
Whether you’re navigating a coming-out process, a neurodivergence discovery, or a fundamental shift in your values, remember:
You’re not broken.
You’re allowed to change.
You’re allowed to want different things—and to want to bring your partner with you.
And if they come with you? That’s love chosen anew.
Need help navigating relationship transitions with clarity and care?
At Divergent Path Wellness, in Virginia, our affirming therapists support queer, neurodivergent, and deconstructing adults through life’s big transitions. Whether you’re looking for individual therapy, couples counseling, or support with setting boundaries, we’re here to help.
Helen Dempsey-Henofer LCSW ADHD-CCSP
Founder & Clinical Supervisor - Divergent Path Wellness
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