When Things End: Opening Your Window of Tolerance to Navigate Change

As my clinical internship at Divergent Path Wellness wraps up, endings are on my mind. Whether it’s a break-up, the loss of a person you love, or another unexpected life change, or a long-planned change that’s finally happening, it can feel really overwhelming to experience the end of something. Smaller changes sometimes also feel really difficult to navigate amidst the overwhelm of daily life. 

Even if you know what comes next, changes can bring about feelings of anxiety, anger, or fear, the potential for regret and sadness. The adjustment period from the old to the new or the unknown can feel overwhelming and may make it hard to keep up with day-to-day living or even doing the things you love. 

Get to Know Your Window of Tolerance

Your window of tolerance is basically the optimal emotional state for functioning in your daily life. When you’re within your window of tolerance, you likely feel grounded and curious, able to maintain emotional regulation and generally tolerate the little stressors that life throws your way. 

A lot of things can cause your window of tolerance to close a bit, to shrink down in size, making it harder to feel grounded and regulated. Trauma can do this and so can stress. Change can create a lot of stress, so it’s not uncommon to feel overwhelmed by small things when you’re in a period of adjustment: Your window of tolerance is smaller than usual and your ability to maintain emotional regulation amidst change goes out, well, the window. 

When Your Window of Tolerance is Narrow

Everyone’s window of tolerance is different, and narrow windows of tolerance make it more likely that you’ll experience the effects of being outside of your window of tolerance. If your window of tolerance is already narrow or closes some in response to trauma or stress, tiny things can bring up intense emotions. Stuff that would normally be easy to deal with may feel impossible. This may take a couple different forms: 

• Hyperarousal: In this state, you may feel out of control with your emotions and your reactions basically just take over. You may feel more irritable than normal or hypervigilant. You may startle easily or feel caught in fight, flight, or freeze stress responses. Your body feels tense and ready to explode. 

• Hypoarousal: In this state, you may feel numb or spacy. You may zone out or dissociate. It may feel like you just want to shut down. You may find it difficult to speak to others, make eye contact, or take care of yourself. Your body feels limp and empty. 

Neither of these states are great for living your life, but when your window of tolerance is narrow, these types of arousal are automatic responses to overwhelm, rooted in your nervous system. Re-regulating to get back within your window of tolerance takes time and practice, and having a therapist support you in this work can be really helpful. 

Opening the Window to Navigate Change 

Knowing that change is inevitable, working to increase your distress tolerance—opening or widening your window of tolerance—can help prepare you for the unknown. Cultivating a sense of psychological flexibility and self-compassion are important steps to take in this work. But what does that look like? 

Here are a few ways that you can begin increasing your psychological flexibility and opening your window of tolerance: 

• Journaling: Begin developing a better understanding of the current size of your window of tolerance by drawing your attention to it through journaling. You can be as detailed or as abstract as you’d like, but the idea is to begin paying closer attention to the emotions you feel throughout the day and the triggers that have the potential to make you feel overwhelmed, sending you into hyperarousal or hypoarousal states. Especially if you’re facing an upcoming change or are in the middle of adjusting to a new change, journaling can be a way to connect with your emotions and begin to identify how the change is showing up in your body and your mind.  

• Rest: Ensuring that your body gets enough rest is an important part of opening your window of tolerance. Know how you get grumpier after a bad night’s sleep? That’s your window of tolerance being narrowed by your body’s overwhelming need for more time to rest and recover. Practicing good sleep hygiene will help you feel more grounded and flexible in a variety of ways. 

• Meditation: A contributing factor in overwhelm can be the feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness. Practicing regular meditation can help you develop intentional neurodivergence that can support psychological flexibility. In addition, safe space meditations or other guided meditations can help re-instill a feeling of safety and control within your body, which can help counterbalance the feelings of overwhelm you may experience.  

• Breathing: Mindful breathing practices like box breathing, anchor breathing, or triangle breathing can help ground you in the present moment and reduce your anxiety, also widening your window of tolerance. Learning some mindful breathing practices can also help you re-regulate if you find yourself in a hyperarousal or hypoarousal state. Breathwork can be a reminder that everything is change, with each ending there is a beginning, with each breath in, there is also a breath out. 

Like a real window when it gets stuck, your window of tolerance is something that you can continue to work to widen but it’s a slow and intentional process. It’s unlikely that you’ll be able to shove it open through brute force, but taking small steps to improve your emotional regulation and develop awareness and curiosity around your stress responses can prove to be transformational over time. 

As for me, my internship with Divergent Path Wellness was also a step towards transformation. And though it’s a big change—with plenty of my own grounding work to support me as I approach the end of something and the beginning of something new—I’m looking forward to becoming an MSW supervisee in social work here beginning in September! 

If you’re looking for an affirming and trauma-informed therapist to support you in navigating change, exploring your window of tolerance, and facing life’s other issues, schedule a consultation with me or one of our other therapists so that you’ll have the support you need to live the life you want. 

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Sarah Lawson

Clinical social work intern

Student therapist at Divergent Path Wellness

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