Queering the Holidays: Create Traditions You Actually Want to Celebrate
- Helen Dempsey-Henofer LCSW, ADHD-CCSP
- Oct 17
- 4 min read
A guide for LGBTQIA+ and neurodivergent folks to plan ahead, set boundaries, and reclaim the season with intention—not obligation
The holiday season can bring up a swirl of emotions—joy, grief, nostalgia, dread. For queer and neurodivergent people, those feelings are often layered with the tension of being expected to perform traditions that never truly felt like ours. Whether you’re navigating family estrangement, masking burnout, or the exhaustion of explaining your pronouns for the fifth time over dinner, it’s okay if the default cultural rituals don't work for you.
Let’s be clear: there’s nothing wrong with wanting a holiday—just not that holiday.
As the season approaches, taking time now—before invitations roll in or travel decisions get made—to reflect, plan, and set boundaries can make a huge difference. Creating queer holiday traditions—queering the holidays—is about disrupting norms that don’t fit, and creating space for something more meaningful in their place.
Why Traditional Holiday Norms Don’t Work for Everyone
Most mainstream holiday traditions assume:
Nuclear family gatherings
Christian-centric practices
Uninterrupted mental health
Financial flexibility
Neurotypical sensory tolerance
Emotional safety in family spaces
That leaves many LGBTQIA+ and neurodivergent folks feeling unseen, overwhelmed, or disconnected. And if you’re navigating grief, trauma, or simply don’t feel at home in those spaces—it’s no surprise the season can feel more stressful than sacred.
Queering Holiday Traditions Means Reclaiming Autonomy
To queer something is to challenge the norm and reimagine it through a lens of authenticity. When it comes to the holidays, queering them means asking:
Do I want to celebrate this at all?
What parts feel meaningful, and what feels like obligation?
How do I want to feel, and what helps create that feeling?
You don’t need permission to opt out, modify, or entirely reinvent how you honor this season.
Start with a Values-Based Holiday Sort
Before the invites and expectations pile up, take some time to check in:
What do I want to feel at the end of this season?
What matters most to me: solitude or connection? Tradition or creativity? Rest or celebration?
What would make this time more accessible and affirming?
Journaling your answers—or talking them out with a trusted friend—can help clarify which rituals nourish you, and which ones you’re ready to release.
Plan Ahead: Boundaries Are Easier to Set in October
By mid-to-late October, it’s not too early to start planning. In fact, it’s the ideal time to:
Set your intentions for the season
Communicate boundaries clearly and calmly
Create buffer time to rest and regulate
If you wait until you're overwhelmed, boundaries can come out sounding defensive. But if you plan early, you can express them with clarity and kindness. For example:
“I wanted to give you a heads-up that I won’t be traveling for the holidays this year. I’m creating a quieter season for myself, and I’d love to catch up on a video call sometime next month instead.”
Planning is not about rigidity—it’s about reclaiming your energy and honoring your limits.
Alternative and Affirming Holiday Traditions to Try
Whether you’re opting out completely or looking to build something new, here are some low-stress, values-aligned alternatives:
Solo or Small Group Rituals
Cozy Solstice Night – Light candles, turn off screens, sip something warm, and journal by flashlight.
Reflection Walk – Take a mindful walk with reflective prompts about the past year (bring a thermos).
Year-End Jar – Write down memories or gratitudes from the year and read them aloud on your own terms.
Chosen Family & Community Celebrations
Potluck & Pajamas – No fancy dishes, no dress code—just good food and people who get you.
Giftless Exchanges – Trade music playlists, handmade zines, or small acts of service instead of spending money.
Craft-a-thons – Host a night of ornament-making, cookie-decorating, or collage vision boards for the new year.
Virtual & Asynchronous Options
Host a Zoom space for folks who don’t have affirming family
Set up a group chat or Discord server for check-ins and venting
Share voice notes or video messages with friends who are far away
Renaming the Holidays Can Be Liberating
Language matters.
Sometimes renaming a tradition is all it takes to reclaim it. You could try:
“Yule & Chill”
“Gay Wrapping Day”
“Autistic New Year”
“Queer Cozy Week”
“UnChristmas Craft-a-thon”
A tradition doesn’t have to be old to be meaningful—and you’re allowed to laugh while you build it.
No Is a Complete Sentence—Especially During the Holidays
You don’t owe anyone your time, presence, or emotional energy. Boundaries that protect your mental health are not selfish; they’re essential.
If a gathering isn’t safe or affirming, try:
“Thanks for thinking of me—I’m not attending group events this year, but I hope you have a good one.”
If people push back:
“This choice is about my capacity, not your worth. I appreciate your understanding.”
Let your boundaries be traditions, too.
Finding Connection in the Season of Disconnection
If you're seeking community, you're not alone. Many LGBTQIA+ and neurodivergent spaces offer:
Virtual meetups
Local mutual aid gatherings
Queer-friendly community meals
Support groups for seasonal grief or family estrangement
Search for events using local directories or hashtags like #ChosenFamily or #QueerHolidays.
You’re Allowed to Want More, or Less
Whether you’re grieving what never was, building something new, or simply surviving December, this season doesn’t have to be a performance.
You are allowed to want quiet. You are allowed to want connection. You are allowed to want something different than what you were raised with.
However you mark the season—if you choose to mark it at all—may it feel honest, soft, and yours.
Looking for Affirming Support This Holiday Season?
Our queer-affirming, neurodiversity-informed therapists in Virginia help people navigate the hard stuff and create a life that aligns with your values.
Helen Dempsey-Henofer LCSW ADHD-CCSP
Founder & Clinical Supervisor - Divergent Path Wellness
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